247

I can't believe I keep having this conversation over and over again.  I have had so many amazing things enter my life and yet I am still mad that I am fat. I got on the scale last Monday at 249, today I got on and I weighed 247. Yesterday I ran 1.3 miles and I realized how sad it is that I'm here again, that I have to fight so hard to get back under 200 pounds just because I'm so stupid...Why can't I just deal with the feelings of empty stomach for the desire of being healthy. Fitting back into my clothes and not feeling like this. So I'm back to running again, I have to be able to do a little bit more each week until I can average 25 to 30 miles per week.

235

Not supposed to be this way, I am supposed to be closer to my goal but instead I am farther away. I started this journey 5 years ago at 376 pounds and now I sit at 235 pounds, I am supposed to be at 175. I will not surrender and yet I am fully aware that if I don't take back where I am then I will end up back in time. I will end up closer to the 300 mark then I want to. On top of all of this my 40th birthday is in just a little over 2 months, I want to get myself back to the 1's and completely out of the 2's. It's going to require a lot of sacrifice. It's going to require a consistent fight for my new life. I do have this consistent pain in my right leg but I believe it is time for me to stop finding reasons to not do this (which I have plenty of) and find more reasons to do this. My plan is another (yet another) daily blog into this new person I want to be, it is time to be less about me and so much more about what God is looking for out of me. This weight loss journey and exercise journey has been filled with ups and downs and yet I have never conceded, I have yet to give it up. So here goes another chance at success.

230.25

I weighed yesterday and it was hard to see but today its a new beginning!

so frustrated

I feel so fat and uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel a bit alone and like a failure after years of hard work ,running is hard and everything hurts  and I am sad.

12/08/2013
A year has passed and I am understanding that I need to truly find me and to make me more accessible to others and to make myself more available to what I can do for others and not so much about what I want but discovering what I love and what I love about me so that I can share it with others. I really enjoy the church that I'm attending now. I feel like I can get lost in it, meaning I can come and just do and just be a part without feeling like I need to explain me. I am hopeful to find my place in the church and find ways to be more useful to the community.
Reputation is just history in rumor form