Just some thoughts

Almost a month ago my 21 year old nephew went to be with Jesus, in the course of time since his death I have done a lot of thinking about my life. Where I am and where I am headed, why I make the decisions I do and why I sit lazily around and allow life to sometimes just take me by surprise. Right after his death I discovered some issues with my foot and gave myself permission to not run as often or as long, and now I have had some other leg issues and I wonder if the feelings I have are affecting my running. I have to be free, I have to be able to find joy in running or its just work for me. my weight has gone up again. I keep going back and forth, I find myself eating things I know will damage my successes and I can't honestly admit that I have made efforts to be successful I sabotage my own success. I was down to 186.5 and I was running a 11 mm and I was doing 10 mile long runs. I was wearing a size 10 pair of dress pants and I was only 11.5 pounds from my goal weight. At this point  I am 212, I am back in a size 14 and I am running about a 13 mm and my longest distance is 3 miles. I am angry and I am frustrated because I can't really decide what it is I want. Everything is coming to its end, for example once I get to my weight goal then what? where do I go from there, when I run a marathon what do I do next. I have spent my WHOLE life in the midst of a battle, a struggle and a lot of fight to prove I was something more than how I feel. I spent my life around mean, belittling people who let me know on a consistent basis I had no value and no worth. I lived in a world of having to defend my ability to be more than the words they spoke, I was always in a drama filled world and now those people are all gone. I now live in a world that I am not picked on, no one uses the words of negative tongue that I had experienced, now I hear words like Amazing, wonderful, beautiful, smart and so many other nice things and honestly there are days I just feel like such a fraud. I want to scream out ....Please stop, I am non of those things, all those people that told me I was worthless, ugly and stupid they must have been right to an extent, I recognize being a child of the King means I have more  value than I could ever have on my own, but some days that just doesn't feel like enough.

I feel like a disappointment to some of those people around me, people who have stayed by my side for all these years while I keep fighting for a weight loss goal that never seems attainable. I get it weight loss and anything else in this life if I am trying to get there for others I will never get there. It is time for me to decide what I really want. I need to admit out loud, I like attention (the good kind) and yet I don't want to be a burden or a person who needs constant attention. I want to get to my goal weight this year and earn the right to be the State Queen in TOPS with a chance for International Queen and yet I have felt bad for wanting that. If being a Queen will be the thing that keeps me motivated for a while than at least I can start there. So for today there are two things I am sure of, I want to be a teacher and I want to the be a Queen or at least a Queen runner up! I have no clue about the rest or when this will transpire but I will not give up. So tonight I go to bed knowing I ran and I ate my best today!