Sometimes

I get overwhelmed by emotions, and I get overwhelmed by the state of the world I live in.  Even in my studies of education I discover how selfish we can be. I am so often put in a tail spin of emotions because I think someone has dismissed me, is uninterested in my life or has forgotten me, that I get into this poor me attitude. The truth is I have found something that is so Amazing, so wonderful, I have found a compassionate, loving, grace-giving, mercy-offered, Savior and that should be something that consistently floods my mind. I have a new mantra (it may seem silly) that I am learning to use in moments of distress and selfishness, first the human side of the mantra, I will not analyze, project or predict every situation in my life, and then the Christ side of my world is to focus on praying for someone like me. I know that I am not the only one out there that gets preoccupied in their own feelings that they lose sight of the importance of life. I know people that spend their days trying to help someone else, that wake up each morning looking forward to what the day holds for them.

I don't want to be selfish or self-serving I want to be more like Christ, I want to be able to seek out ways in which I can honor Christ in the way I live each day. I want to change my focus from the external to the ETERNAL side of life.

This is who I want to be...

Embraced by Grace and Humbled by Mercy!
Stephanie Stephan

Choices

It all comes down to choices, I have to choose everyday how I want to live. I have to choose if I want to do what God has called me to be or if I want to stay under the covers and pretend that this life is all about me. I have freedom in Christ before I was enslaved to sin and the world that my sin belonged to. I am under the blood and redeemed at the cost of death on a cross, I am anticipating something so much greater than what this earth can offer. With that said the goal is to bring as many people to Christ as possible, and how do I do that? I do that by living for Him in a way that sets me a part, that makes people take notice and maybe every once in awhile say "why are you loving, forgiving, encouraging", why do you show grace when others are angry and condemning, because I was once lost and now I'm found. I want like any person that is found to be grateful for being found, for being loved, for being wanted. Today when my alarm clock goes off I have a choice whether I will get up and shout His praises or whether I will stay in bed or in my pity, or in my own selfish ways, because I am not able to bring others to Christ under my covers, I have to live out of the covers I have to be out showing love, grace and mercy to others. I have to spend my days with my children, with my friends, with family and with others loving them in such a way that Christ gets glory and I am a witness to the God that gives me grace who loved me first so that I could love others.

Forgiven by Grace,
Stephanie Stephan

07/31/2012

Two weeks from today I will have finished my college degree in Psychology and will have returned to work at the elementary school that I work for and will be preparing to get my temporary teaching certificate. WOW! That's the only word I know to say, I am amazed at the journey I am on. However here is the point I must bring out. I love Ho Ho's, I love pancakes, I love anything with the word cake, chocolate or cream in it however what I want more than anything is to finish this year at my goal weight of 160-170, that would actually make it way more worth it to say I gave up cakes, chocolates and creams because there was something that was so much greater to me. I know if you know me long enough you know that this goal has been there for awhile, but for the first time I really understand what it means, I understand what it means to not get there, what it means to get so close and what it means to utterly fail and gain back 44 pounds, so here I sit with 30 or less pounds to lose and its my choice now how I let this play out. I can choose to make it matter, I can make my life something more than just what food I can eat next to how can I utilize this new day, this new creation that is my life be lived in a way that is more productive and gives God the glory that He and He alone deserves.

My life, my weight loss, my running is all about giving God glory for turning my life inside out and making it new, making it worthwhile. I am valuable to God, the world may not see me that way but GOD DOES!

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall what do you see? 4 years ago, I looked at the mirror and asked that question, and while my mirror didn't talk back to me like Snow White's evil stepmothers did, I recognized I didn't like what I was looking at. I saw a woman that was sad, angry and frustrated with who she was, I was 370 pounds, divorced raising two kids on my own and completely lost. I lived to go to work, eat and sleep, that was my life in March 2008 before I began my journey to a better me. That day everything changed for me, I didn't like the story the mirror showed me. I had overcome being a widow, living through an abusive marriage and taking care of myself and my kids financially on my own, I had moved into my own place and was taking care of the necessities of life but it wasn't enough. It was time for me to make more changes, I needed to make health a priority, I had to become more than just an existence but to really live. So that day I made some huge changes I became part of a 12 step group for food addiction, found a sponsor and made a determination to do things differently, I surrendered to God, I decided He had to know better than me. Nothing and I mean nothing has been the same since that day 4 years ago.

Mirror Mirror on the wall what do you see? I see a woman who has lost 200 pounds, who has run 3 half marathons, who regularly exercises and runs, who is 4 weeks away from a college degree, 4 weeks away from a 2nd year at an elementary school, I see a woman who has believed that God is all she needs and is the strength to get her through any situation. I see a woman that is for the first time willing to face her fears one by one, a woman to do challenging things including training for a full marathon right before she turns 40 years old. I see a woman that truly believes what Ephesians 3:20 says, that God truly does things that are more than we ever expected.

In 4 years my entire world looks different, I am not only not the same size but the inside is filled with joy, hope and anticipation of what God has next. The journey isn't always easy, but how would I ever know how strong my God is if it was always easy. I have embraced challenges and in the process discovered a woman that I am proud to look in the mirror and see. Because I no longer see me, but Christ who lives in me.

Mirror mirror on the wall, I hope you always see the Stephanie God wants me to be, no less!

Just a 7 mile run

I recognize that for many people running 7 miles whether it's all running or a combination of running and walking, cannot fathom doing so if they haven't done it in a long time. Well my friend found out through a status update that I posted that I was going to be doing a 7 mile run and she volunteered to come out with me. When she came with me the next morning my trainer asked if she had done it before she said no but that she was up for it, when we went out she did great, however at one point to stick to my training routine I had to leave her behind, but I said I will just go up and come back, well on my way up I realized I would have to cross this major street, so instead I made a left instead of crossing over the major intersection. I never looked back to see where she was, if I had I may have realized she was coming up on me faster than I knew, anyway I thought of her for a second and thought oh I can do this quick enough that I won't miss her. I turned around and came back when I had the right amount of distance to  give me the 7 miles. I didn't see her, and as more distance passed going back to where I started I became more nervous about her having gone and crossed the street. I had decided I would just go back to my car as quick as I could to get her. Eventually as I was running back I could hear her come up from behind me. She did exactly what I was afraid of, she went over the major intersection and kept going for a while until she realized that there was no way I was that far ahead of her, so she turned around. For both of us we recognized we lost our partner and while we both just did what was the important thing to do, go back to where we started so we could look for the other, it was a scary moment to realize you don't know where your partner is. This is important in the Christian race I run too, it is important to know where my brothers and sisters are, is there ways to keep them on the path, to stay beside them, however if I need to go ahead for awhile to know where the other is, but most important to run back to the source Jesus, who will help locate and reconcile those to him that get lost. I learned a valuable lesson out there that day and I truly didn't like that feeling.

Hard

Sometimes I want the world to know how hard it is to lose weight. I think I want to throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the street sometimes and say...Hey look at me, don't you know how hard this is for me? I can't take it sometimes, I can't take that if I choose to eat one thing off my list I end up 5-10 pounds heavier in a weeks time. My body truly can't take the junk of the world on, it does not like to have the yucky food in its path, my body does the best with whole foods. I eat things like fruit, yogurt, vegetables and from time to time grains but usually they are in the form of potatoes, corn, peas and from time to time Ezekial bread. It's so hard for me to admit that I will have to eat this way for the rest of my life, but red meat even chicken at times has an adverse reaction to my body. So I have to make sure I'm getting enough protein in the other forms I eat it in. I know that this has Spiritual implications as well, I have a song that I love in it there is a verse "I'm not who I was when I took my first step, I'm clinging to the promise your not through with me yet", that has biblical connections "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it" and another verse that I love for me is where Paul is talking about spiritual food, we once ate like a baby and now we are grown and we eat more substantial food. For my soul I also do not want nor does my body want the same feeding as it took when I was first saved. I need more substantial, healthy food to make me strong and able to make it day in and day out in a world that just doesn't get me. Biblically speaking the word makes mention of testing ourselves, taking an inventory of our day, in the old testament in Joshua, God tells Joshua to meditate day and night on the book of law that God had given Moses saying he would be successful if he did that. I don't believe anything changed, God still wants me to meditate day and night on His word if I want to find success, and success is God's terms not man's. This life both in reference to spiritual and physical is hard, it requires discipline, it requires me making choices that honor God and in order to do that and to get through the hard I have to spend my time with Him daily so that I am daily fed spiritually and then can be disciplined enough to get through the hard of the physical discipline of making my body the temple he wants it to be. So it's hard, I'm a complainer from time to time, I at times act like a big baby, but in the end I am fully aware of who's in charge and who's I am.

I can't believe I'm here

Here I am 10 weeks into the new weigh in year, I started this year at 229.75 and as of last night's weigh in I weigh 211, I have lost almost 19 pounds in 10 weeks. I have a goal to be at 190.5 by May 31st of this year, which would give me a 200 pound loss since November 2004, with the program I work with for my weight loss they honor you when you keep a 100 pound loss after you keep it off for a year.  This year at our yearly recognition I will get my 3rd recognition for the first 100 pounds, so I want to have my year anniversary the day before my 40th birthday. So I am working really hard to be at 190.5 by May 31st. I want to get off the rest of my weight by the end of the year, but just keeping off this next 100 pounds for a year will be fantastic. This week my exercise will be off so I want to make sure my food is intact. Goal for next week is only a pound, which will leave me another 19.5 pounds to lose within the next 11 weigh ins. I have to keep reminding myself how much I want this.