230.25

I weighed yesterday and it was hard to see but today its a new beginning!

so frustrated

I feel so fat and uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel a bit alone and like a failure after years of hard work ,running is hard and everything hurts  and I am sad.

12/08/2013
A year has passed and I am understanding that I need to truly find me and to make me more accessible to others and to make myself more available to what I can do for others and not so much about what I want but discovering what I love and what I love about me so that I can share it with others. I really enjoy the church that I'm attending now. I feel like I can get lost in it, meaning I can come and just do and just be a part without feeling like I need to explain me. I am hopeful to find my place in the church and find ways to be more useful to the community.
Reputation is just history in rumor form

How do I

Get to a new place in my life! I have accomplished a lot of things in my life and yet here I sit frustrated with my weight and the inability to get the rest of this ick off my body. I feel fAt ugly and undesirable and for what food!

My BODY!!

Today I was looking at a co-worker and thought, if I lost all my weight and had surgery there is a chance I would have a similar frame to her. It doesn't matter that she can eat anything she wants and stay thin, it doesn't matter that she doesn't have to exercise at all to keep her figure. I just looked at her and kind of sized her up and then wanted to kick myself. When I eat things not on my plan, when I don't get out and exercise, and not just simple exercise but the kind that gets my blood pumping and burns the calories, when I don't drink enough water...it's then that I wish that the images of these people would come to mind. I had an actress in mind a while back that would fit my body type, thin. I won't tell you because you will probably laugh but regardless I saw it and unfortunately until I reach my goal weight and have the excess skin removed I will never know.
The most frustrating part is it is a never ending battle, I like want to get to a point where it all is just easy, where I don't have to think of what to eat that it will just come to mind easily. I struggle every single stinking day to eat right. Right now I want to get below 184, which right now is about 32 pounds, which for someone who has lost 200 pounds should seem so easily achievable but truthfully it feels like I am trying to lose another 200 pounds. I have been caught up with this cold for the past week and a half, first thing in the morning and late at night is the worst, I feel like I can't breathe so I haven't spent anytime exercising. I have given myself until Sunday to get it together, I need to get back to a strict everything, not because I have to but because I want to. There are 6 weeks left in the year, and while I won't get to my goal in that time I can make a huge dent in my weight including getting possibly below 200 pounds, leaving me another 6 months to get to my goal weight by my 40th birthday on June 1st. Sometimes I truthfully want someone with me 24/7 shutting my mouth, I guess I really have to trust God to guide me in this.  There is some vanity to this but more than anything its totally about at least finishing a goal I started (5) years ago this March. It would be great to be 173 by March 2013, then I can literally say I lost 200 pounds in those 5 years. While I will have achieved so much more, to be there would be AWESOME!!

Rest

I can't remember the last time that I was sick enough to be home for days and to really feel like staying at home. I went to bed Tuesday night feeling kind of a sore throat, woke up sounding like I swallowed a frog. Then by Thursday morning my nose was running and the cough was coming on, still went to work both days, but by Thursday night the feeling of a semi truck driving over me came on me. I called in sick for work Friday morning and then awoke Friday morning with almost no voice at all and needing just to simply stay in bed much later than I would normally stay in bed. I eventually left my bed for the respite of the couch, where I would stay for the remainder of the day. I needed rest, my body, my vocal chords and my simple being needed a moment of silence and rest. So here I am Saturday night with the full realization that tomorrow that rest will be continued. While its hard for me to miss church, at the same time this will give my body a chance for a full recovery and a chance to go back to work on Monday actually feeling revived. So I've done some school work, played some games talked to my kids and just kind of "vegged" out. The no talking for a day was actually quite difficult for me but apparently very necessary for me to have a chance of recovery today. I recognize that God calls for a day of rest because we need it, not to just keep us house bound or to give us more rules and regulations to be one of His but because He made us and He knew that rest is simply what we need. When we do not rest, our bodies physically, spiritually and mentally become weary. I know I do, I know I end up doing too much and then have to pay for it.

I am not grateful for this cold/flu or whatever it was however I am grateful that because of it I had to slow down and just rest. The very thing my body needed me most to do for it, for once I actually listened and rested. I am hopeful that this will be a lesson that I won't have to get sick to rest but that I will take the opportunity to just sit in silence from time to time and rest.

Silence

A friend of mine pointed out that my greatest weight loss success came when I stopped talking about it and just did it. In 3 days I graduate from college not because I talked about what I would do but because I did it .
Tuesday I discovered there is a great chance the pain in my leg Is arthritis and that it could get more painful; the only way to help myself is to lose more weight. So for right now my goal is to only share my journey here and to keep silent everywhere else. My friends and family must grow weary of my constant banter about weight loss. And so silence and journaling is the best response for me.

Blessings

Blessings are a huge part of my life and I feel immensely grateful for all that I have and believe I should take more opportunities to state out loud what I'm grateful for. My life in Christ has enabled me things I didn't have before a true commitment to Him, I have Peace in times where Peace seems to not be found by others. I have Joy, I have unwavering belief that Jesus died for me and that He is coming back one day to get me. On top of all those things that are offered to all that believe in Him, He has walked with me through some truly rough and dark paths, He was there when my first husband died, when I had to leave my second marriage, He was with me when I was walking through a dessert land as a single mom of two children who had just lost their father. God has never left my side, I have been blessed with two beautiful children, with a beautiful home in a nice neighborhood, friends and family that love me. I have a good job that I love doing, I have finished school and am on my way to having a profession not just a job. God has taken care of me through it all, He knows me and still loves me still walks this road with me even on those days when I act like a spoiled brat and don't want to do what I'm supposed to do or go where He needs me to go. I have been surprised by unexpected blessings, amazed at how GOd shows up just in time and in Awe of how He never stops being faithful.