247

I can't believe I keep having this conversation over and over again.  I have had so many amazing things enter my life and yet I am still mad that I am fat. I got on the scale last Monday at 249, today I got on and I weighed 247. Yesterday I ran 1.3 miles and I realized how sad it is that I'm here again, that I have to fight so hard to get back under 200 pounds just because I'm so stupid...Why can't I just deal with the feelings of empty stomach for the desire of being healthy. Fitting back into my clothes and not feeling like this. So I'm back to running again, I have to be able to do a little bit more each week until I can average 25 to 30 miles per week.

235

Not supposed to be this way, I am supposed to be closer to my goal but instead I am farther away. I started this journey 5 years ago at 376 pounds and now I sit at 235 pounds, I am supposed to be at 175. I will not surrender and yet I am fully aware that if I don't take back where I am then I will end up back in time. I will end up closer to the 300 mark then I want to. On top of all of this my 40th birthday is in just a little over 2 months, I want to get myself back to the 1's and completely out of the 2's. It's going to require a lot of sacrifice. It's going to require a consistent fight for my new life. I do have this consistent pain in my right leg but I believe it is time for me to stop finding reasons to not do this (which I have plenty of) and find more reasons to do this. My plan is another (yet another) daily blog into this new person I want to be, it is time to be less about me and so much more about what God is looking for out of me. This weight loss journey and exercise journey has been filled with ups and downs and yet I have never conceded, I have yet to give it up. So here goes another chance at success.

230.25

I weighed yesterday and it was hard to see but today its a new beginning!

so frustrated

I feel so fat and uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel a bit alone and like a failure after years of hard work ,running is hard and everything hurts  and I am sad.

12/08/2013
A year has passed and I am understanding that I need to truly find me and to make me more accessible to others and to make myself more available to what I can do for others and not so much about what I want but discovering what I love and what I love about me so that I can share it with others. I really enjoy the church that I'm attending now. I feel like I can get lost in it, meaning I can come and just do and just be a part without feeling like I need to explain me. I am hopeful to find my place in the church and find ways to be more useful to the community.
Reputation is just history in rumor form

How do I

Get to a new place in my life! I have accomplished a lot of things in my life and yet here I sit frustrated with my weight and the inability to get the rest of this ick off my body. I feel fAt ugly and undesirable and for what food!

My BODY!!

Today I was looking at a co-worker and thought, if I lost all my weight and had surgery there is a chance I would have a similar frame to her. It doesn't matter that she can eat anything she wants and stay thin, it doesn't matter that she doesn't have to exercise at all to keep her figure. I just looked at her and kind of sized her up and then wanted to kick myself. When I eat things not on my plan, when I don't get out and exercise, and not just simple exercise but the kind that gets my blood pumping and burns the calories, when I don't drink enough water...it's then that I wish that the images of these people would come to mind. I had an actress in mind a while back that would fit my body type, thin. I won't tell you because you will probably laugh but regardless I saw it and unfortunately until I reach my goal weight and have the excess skin removed I will never know.
The most frustrating part is it is a never ending battle, I like want to get to a point where it all is just easy, where I don't have to think of what to eat that it will just come to mind easily. I struggle every single stinking day to eat right. Right now I want to get below 184, which right now is about 32 pounds, which for someone who has lost 200 pounds should seem so easily achievable but truthfully it feels like I am trying to lose another 200 pounds. I have been caught up with this cold for the past week and a half, first thing in the morning and late at night is the worst, I feel like I can't breathe so I haven't spent anytime exercising. I have given myself until Sunday to get it together, I need to get back to a strict everything, not because I have to but because I want to. There are 6 weeks left in the year, and while I won't get to my goal in that time I can make a huge dent in my weight including getting possibly below 200 pounds, leaving me another 6 months to get to my goal weight by my 40th birthday on June 1st. Sometimes I truthfully want someone with me 24/7 shutting my mouth, I guess I really have to trust God to guide me in this.  There is some vanity to this but more than anything its totally about at least finishing a goal I started (5) years ago this March. It would be great to be 173 by March 2013, then I can literally say I lost 200 pounds in those 5 years. While I will have achieved so much more, to be there would be AWESOME!!

Rest

I can't remember the last time that I was sick enough to be home for days and to really feel like staying at home. I went to bed Tuesday night feeling kind of a sore throat, woke up sounding like I swallowed a frog. Then by Thursday morning my nose was running and the cough was coming on, still went to work both days, but by Thursday night the feeling of a semi truck driving over me came on me. I called in sick for work Friday morning and then awoke Friday morning with almost no voice at all and needing just to simply stay in bed much later than I would normally stay in bed. I eventually left my bed for the respite of the couch, where I would stay for the remainder of the day. I needed rest, my body, my vocal chords and my simple being needed a moment of silence and rest. So here I am Saturday night with the full realization that tomorrow that rest will be continued. While its hard for me to miss church, at the same time this will give my body a chance for a full recovery and a chance to go back to work on Monday actually feeling revived. So I've done some school work, played some games talked to my kids and just kind of "vegged" out. The no talking for a day was actually quite difficult for me but apparently very necessary for me to have a chance of recovery today. I recognize that God calls for a day of rest because we need it, not to just keep us house bound or to give us more rules and regulations to be one of His but because He made us and He knew that rest is simply what we need. When we do not rest, our bodies physically, spiritually and mentally become weary. I know I do, I know I end up doing too much and then have to pay for it.

I am not grateful for this cold/flu or whatever it was however I am grateful that because of it I had to slow down and just rest. The very thing my body needed me most to do for it, for once I actually listened and rested. I am hopeful that this will be a lesson that I won't have to get sick to rest but that I will take the opportunity to just sit in silence from time to time and rest.